My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
