My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
