yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I party with great urgency now.
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