So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
