Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
