as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
