goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
