I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
