My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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