I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
