i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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