Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
