I wish I only lived at night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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