I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
