the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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