I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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