she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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