i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
