It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
