Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
