fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
