I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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