My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
