watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
