So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
