I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
