My brain says no but my pants say off.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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