we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
