thus making me awesome and them whores
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
