last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
