I faked an abortion last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
