it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
