Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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