Umm I'm too high to move.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
