How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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