chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
