you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
