Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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