If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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