Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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