My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
