It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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