Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
