No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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