is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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