oh god the rape fog is back!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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