I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
