May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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