She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
