I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
